Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
