So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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