At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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