new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
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