Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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