i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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