im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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