Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
