just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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