So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
