Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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