My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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