In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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