I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
