I faked an abortion last night.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
These tits shall not be calmed
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
