Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
