So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
