dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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