when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Omg I joined a choir last night...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
