I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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