I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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