Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
