Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
