We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
