Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
