We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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