You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
