I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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