I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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