Princesses don't give blow jobs
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
