Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
