you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
