I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
