And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
