she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
