It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
