Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
