i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
