3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
