When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
