I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
