I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
