After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
