I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
