i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
