Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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