New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
