So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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