i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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