I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
