So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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