apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
