I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
